The Soul's Defenses: Who's the Pilot?

In the depths of me I cry out for you

I crawl inside to feel you there, but no

There only crashes over me another wave

Fear tidal, misery relentless

Ache throbs, loneliness rages

I’m going under

Clutch obsession, you, an addiction

We’re going under

Inflict pain, a buoy, a slice of breath

I’m going under

Daydream stronghold, man the walls, too late

I’ve gone under

But Lord, if I clutch you

Will you hold me up and give me breath

Grasping, gasping - Give me life

Not one more day, just me

Touch me, I’m raging

Breathe in me, I’m dying

I wrote this one last October as I thought about all the ways over the course of my life I have tried to escape grief, hurts and that screaming void we all try desperately and unsuccessfully to fill, until at last we realize the missing piece is God himself. We build walls and defenses to protect ourselves, clutch friendships in the codependent terror that drives us to demand that the other "fill that empty space," escape into the addictions of any mind and emotion numbing thing we can find: alcohol, drugs, books, shopping, gambling, exercise, food, entertainment, fantasy, sex/romance even pain itself.

Looking at that list, which barely scratches the surface, I'm sure you can find yourself. We are made in the image of our Father. Like him we are a triune being. We have a spirit, soul and body. Our spirit was made to be alive and in constant intimate relationship with God, feeding on the life that comes from His very breath, His living Word. From that position of life and intimate connection, our spirit was to feed, guide and inspire our soul. Our spirit is our true self, our God aware self. But the entry of sin into the world changed all that. Our spirit was cut off from the life giving force of God, and it died. We were born with a spirit that was dead. The term being born again (which isn't some goofy cult term; it is in scripture) refers to the fact that Jesus died to redeem us from the death of sin. When we accept what he did for us at the cross, and ask him to be our Lord, our relationship to God is restored and our true self, our spirit, comes alive. We are born again, born of the spirit.

The problem is that until that time. our soul and body are left to their own devices. The soul consists of our emotions, thoughts and choices. Our soul is self-centered and is only capable of making decisions from that viewpoint. Being self-centered it loves running the show and is very loath to relinquish control back to the spirit when it shows up on the scene like some Johnny come lately. But relinquishing all control is what we have to do, or we are in open rebellion to God. When the soul demands the reins, instead of yielding to the spirit, it will not go well in our life. We will have many rough roads; rough roads God will allow in attempts to get us to the point where we choose, in humility, to say, "Father, I can't do this. Please be Lord over me; I yield to you. I no longer want to pilot this ship."

I have a very strong soul, toughened by a lifetime of fighting battles I didn't asked to be placed in (but am now glad for). I have been gifted with a mind that knows it is strong, and in its pride and self reliance has had a very down-in-the-dirt, scrapping and clawing fight with Jesus over who will pilot this ship. But God is patient and so full of a grace that reaches beyond the scope of anything I can fathom. He has gotten me to the place where it is a joy to surrender. And it is a good thing, because if I keep on piloting this ship it will definitely pile up on the rocks. It is possible to surrneder your life to Jesus and then never give over the reins. That person either ends up so dry in the spirit that they are open to every whispering of satan and eventually fall back into the outright choice of a sin life (which leads back to death) or they are useless to the Kingdom while here on earth. They don't count for much in the spiritual battle that rages over the earth because their soul is shouting orders so loud, it is missing the direction of the spirit.