BPD

One day mourning to darkness

Flesh and soul drowning, spirit unreachable

So many voices, a clamoring cacophony

Are you in the midst, Lord?

Alone, overlooking the chasm’s edge

Humanity the other side

Dry a tear, hug a friend, laugh and smile

Dying – hold up the Oscar

Can you see the missing piece

Does the chasm show?

Do you exist – I can’t touch you

Do I exist – I can’t feel me

Drifting, amputated

Emotions swelling locked inside

Bleed me now, leave me now

Overwhelming, no release

Can’t describe or voice

But just one cut and out it wells

Make it to another emotion

Lord, if this is all, then I want home

I wrote this one last October. What I didn't realize was that I was headed into a period of intense inner healing and deliverance (think of it as therapy with Christ as the therapist). Many times God will allow things into our life, let them surface and crash over us so that we are aware of our need for His help, and so that we turn to Him in humility to ask for that help.

Someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) will often get much better at coping as they move into their 30's and 40's. You may begin to think you are past it. What God revealed in me was that the spirit of BPD still had a stranglehold on my life, as I still allowed it access and yielded my rights as a Child of God. I was still hurting myself as I always had, by imagining horrifying or painful scenarios that in no way existed. Then I gave them life and lived in them, feeling the fullness of the grief, anger whatever. It bled off the emotions inside me within a private place that only I could control. But as soon as the name BPD (I had never acknowledged that before, but even as recently as last Oct. was still exhibiting 7 of the 8 hallmark symptoms -- DSM says you need 5 for diagnosis) arose within me, I exalted because I knew God had shown me the enemy and that in Christ I was all victorious. That spirit was going down to the death it had already died on the cross. I was going to walk in the freedom that was mine. That moment of realization of my power in Christ was a real high, but there were still some really low rough spots to follow.